I’m mad today!

Disclaimer: the following is the sort of truth that will smack you in the face. If you don’t like being smacked in the face by the truth, please don’t read further.

For the last several months I’ve been trying to find ways to save money. Each time I’ve been thwarted in my efforts. It seems that we have a system that requires someone to have money in order to save money. Think about that for just a second. In order to SAVE money, we must first HAVE money. This runs alongside the truism that banks will only lend money to people who do not need money. Under our current system, the people who need to save money cannot because they do not have money, and the people who need money cannot get it because they don’t already have it.

Is your head spinning yet? Buckle up.

The quickest way I have for saving significant money would be to reduce my car payment. I could get rid of my satellite TV, but that would not even be a drop in the bucket. My electric bill is already low. I have no water bill. My rent is reasonable for the city where I live and the size and quality of my apartment. I cannot do without internet service because I rely on it both for work and school. I could drop out of graduate school, but that is the only method by which I can create a path toward MAKING more money. I do not live extravagantly, so reducing my car payment is, right now, the best way to significantly reduce the amount of money going out of my pocket.

* * *

“Mr. Walker,” says the car man, “there’s nothing wrong with your credit. I have five banks willing to finance a car for you for what you’re willing to pay.”

“Great!” I say. “Let’s get it done.”

“Well,” he replies, “there is one problem.”

“What’s that?” I ask, quizzically.

“We’re going to need more cash than you say you have,” the car man replies. “Do you have any way of getting more cash?”

If I had any way of getting more cash, I’d just put it toward paying off the car note I already have! They would all love to help me save money, but I don’t have enough money to save money.

“Mr. Walker,” says the Sprint man, “I can DEFINITELY save you almost a hundred dollars a month on your cell phone bill. And it will only cost you $175 per phone today.”

Sprint will gladly help me save money, but I don’t have enough money to save money.

* * *

I made mistakes when I was young. I own the responsibility for every single one of them. And, right now, in my 8th grade Career Choices classes we’re going a budgeting project, and I tell my students every single day, “Don’t do what I did! Don’t spend money you don’t have. Save. Be responsible. Pay your bills on time because you don’t get second chances.” So, I’m not oblivious to the problem.

But, our system is broken! Busted! FUBAR as they say in the military!

Do you want to know why so many people are so open to accepting what amounts to socialism in our country now? Hear me! We have a system that punishes mistakes forever and never allows people who get behind to even CATCH BACK UP, much less get ahead! Don’t even argue with me about this because I am right.

Those mistakes I made when I was 19, 20, 21 years old? They’re still wrapped around my neck like a hangman’s noose and every time I get close to getting on track—THWACK!! The hangman kicks the stool out from under my feet and I’m left swinging in the wind and choking to death on my past!

We don’t have a system that tells people who made mistakes in their past, “We see that you’ve done your best to overcome those mistakes and do better. We see that you haven’t kept repeating those mistakes, so we’re going to give you another chance.” No! Our system says, “Sorry, Charlie! You get one chance and you blew it!” So, yeah, THAT is why people are willing to accept socialism in our country, because what we have now punishes the people who need a break.

I am ABSOLUTELY behind President Obama’s initiative to offer two years of community college free to students. Why? Because it will give them at least a little leg up in a system that otherwise won’t even offer them a damn thing! Kids who come from wealthy families don’t need the help–they’ve already got it. So, why not offer the kids who don’t a little bit of a chance in the world? If you say you want everyone to succeed, then you should want everyone to have the OPPORTUNITY to succeed, because if you have a brain cell in your head then you know one wrong step means they’re behind forever.

I’m mad today! I’m mad because I can’t see a way out anymore. I’m mad because nobody is willing to give a guy like me a second chance to make things right. I’m mad because I live in a country that claims to value INDIVIDUALITY above all else, but which seeks to STANDARDIZE that which cannot be standardized. I’m mad because I live in a country that used to offer people a dream, and now forces them to live in a perpetual nightmare.

I’m mad today!

Same as the old year. Different numbers.

Every year I think it will be different. Every year it’s the same. I look around and watch people get excited about the new year, and think to myself, “Same as the old year. Different number.” This year hasn’t been any different.blackr 2014 block

I never seem to be where I want to be on January 1st. I am never even where I think I should be. I know a lot of people who are having great success in their personal and professional lives. Most of them don’t deserve it in my opinion. (Shhhh…don’t tell them I said that.) I’m stagnating. My heart’s desire more than any other is to be a writer, but I can’t get anyone to pay attention to what I write. Meanwhile, a 20 year old kid I know who doesn’t have any interest in writing gets published in a national magazine. Where’s the fairness in that?

It was a fluff piece–one of those lists that everybody loves. You know, “21 Things All Humans Need To Know About The Mundane Task They Should Be Doing While They’re Sitting On Their Computer Reading This Stupid List.” But, hey. That’s what people want to read now. That’s what gets their attention–trivia. Meanwhile, I’ll just keep writing seriously, and keep bitching about nobody reading it while nobody reads it.

By now you’re probably thinking, “Bitter, party of one!” And, you’d be right. I am bitter. But, I’m also hurt, angry, sad, dejected, and spent. I have no motivation left to do anything I’m doing. I’m not lying when I say that I’m just going through the motions. It’s all just mechanics now. No heart. No spirit. No purpose.

I need a break. No, I don’t mean a vacation. I need a break–something big that happens to make me think what I’m doing is worth something, and that I’m headed in a real direction. But, I’m not holding my breath.

I miss my friends. I miss being in a place where I had friends. I miss being in a place where my friends and I did things we liked doing. Maybe if I still had friends who had some ambition other than getting through the week so they could drink beer on the weekend I’d find the inspiration needed for the motivation I lack. Who knows? Maybe not.

So, yeah. Happy New Year. Same as the old year. Different number.

The Longest Week Ever

I woke up at 4:33 this morning. By 4:58 it was clear I wasn’t going back to sleep, so after FINALLY finding where grades were posted for my graduate courses, I got out of bed and started getting ready. It’s now 5:55am and I’m completely ready to go, but it’s still too early, so here I sit watching reruns of Judge Judy and fretting. . . .always. . . .fretting.

Tomorrow is the last day of school (school as in my teaching job) before Christmas break. This week has been the most interminably long week yet and it was preceded by the worst week yet. I’m actually still trying to process everything that happened last week because I can’t believe it actually happened. I won’t go into detail because it doesn’t really matter, but I wanted to write about some part of it because the whole incident has caused my anxiety to peak at a level I’ve not experienced in years.

I’ve learned a few lessons–here they are:

1. Truth doesn’t matter anymore. When push comes to shove, people don’t care about the truth. They care about what benefits them most.

2. Trust no one but me. Because people care about what benefits them most, they DO what benefits them most.

3. Don’t talk to people about important things. They say they won’t tell other people, but they always do.

4. I should’ve stayed in Fort Worth. Maybe I’ll see about going back.

Merry Freakin’ Christmas, Jason. Do you mind if I smack you around a little more???

I’m so depressed now that I think I’ll just go to bed next week and stay there.

Where Would Jesus Shop?

I’m going to go ahead and throw out this disclaimer before I begin: it’s quite likely that I’m about to offend some of your holiday sensibilities, but I want you to keep reading anyway.

Today is Black Friday. No, don’t get confused, it’s not the same Black (or Good, depending on your heritage) Friday where we remember Jesus’s crucifixion. This is the Black Friday where we conduct our own! …Ease up, Jason, hyperbole this early in a blog post might come across as angry…

black fridayThis is the Black Friday where we remember the metaphorical crucifixion suffered by the greatest symbol of the Holiday Season, the American Corporation. Yes, today is the day that every corporation awaits with anticipation for three-hundred-some-odd days a year. Today is the day when millions of Americans forget what they said at the Thanksgiving table just yesterday: “I’m just thankful for my family and friends. That’s all I need,” and proceed to spend hundreds to thousands of dollars on things they just can’t live without! That is, of course, assuming they were even at the Thanksgiving table yesterday and not already camped in front of Wal-Mart, Best Buy, or Target waiting on that rare instant where a flat screen TV is on sale for incredibly low prices…at least until March right before time to start considering first quarter earnings.

Ahhh…Black Friday. A great American holiday tradition honored from the earliest days of our republic. But, let’s notcyber monday forget that other great American holiday tradition, Cyber Monday, which dates from some time around the Civil War if I’m not mistaken. Yes, Cyber Monday is the day when millions of Americans sit at their desks, still hung over from all of the Black Friday festivities, look over their shoulders and around their cubicle walls to make sure the boss isn’t coming, and log into their Amazon.com accounts to snatch up the deals on those items which are too rare to even make it to store shelves. What would the holidays be without the macabre excitement of staring out the window two days before Christmas hoping against hope that the UPS truck won’t just drive by this time, but will actually pull in the driveway and bring that one….last….thing you needed that will make Christmas the holiday it was always meant to be.

small business saturdayAhhh…Cyber Monday. Another great American holiday tradition from the middle years of our democratic experiment. But, not the last! It seems that social anthropologists have discovered another great American holiday tradition that dates from sometime around the Great Depression. Small Business Saturday is the day when millions of Americans are guilted by their local Chambers of Commerce into buying sacks full of one-of-a-kind gifts (available only at one of our 25 locations) and unnecessary plastic items that make great stocking stuffers! Everyone knows that Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas until you’ve awakened in a cold sweat at 1:28am on Christmas morning having remembered that one-of-a-kind gift you purchased on Small Business Saturday that would make Christmas complete, but that you’ve completely forgotten the location of, and that you’re willing to creep through a darkened house risking life and limb to find.

Ahhh…Small Business Saturday. The most recent American Holiday tradition begun during a time of great testing for our nation. Now, if you will, pardon me just a moment while I wipe the sarcasm that has dripped from my
teeth to my chin….

I don’t have anything at all against Christmas shopping and I’m not one of those people who says that the only way to really celebrate Christmas is to not exchange gifts. I enjoy giving and receiving gifts as much as the next guy. But, I’m concerned about how our entire social order is now consumer driven. We don’t really make anything anymore, we just buy things. And, because we don’t buy enough to suit corporations the other 362 days a year, they have now worked these fake holidays into our cultural lexicon. We’re being duped and we don’t even know it.

I’m not saying stop shopping on Black Friday or Small Business Saturday or Cyber Monday. What I’m saying is, think carefully before you do. Companies put their products in these terrific sales in the hopes that your brain will bejesus save tricked into buying more than you normally would because you’re “saving” money. Trust me when I tell you that if you were really going to save money on those items, companies wouldn’t sell them for what they sell them.

I don’t know where this sort of consumerism stops and I don’t think most people understand how dangerous it is. It’s a snowball rolling down a steep hill and we’re all in its way. Christmas, the way we celebrate it, is largely a construct of the 20th Century. Most of our Christmas “traditions” are drawn from pagan celebrations. I wonder if we even really know where and how the Christmas celebration started.

Fount of Every Blessing

One of the benefits of growing up in the Methodist Church is that I was exposed to most, if not all, of the great hymns and songs of Christendom. Week after week I opened the hymnal in my pew to hymns like, “O, For a Thousand Tongues to Sing,” “Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty,” and “To God Be the Glory.” It was these hymns and songs that first taught me about who God is; about Jesus’s great love for me; about what a powerful friend I have in the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong, there are many great modern worship songs, but the words to these songs are the foundation of my faith. More and more, they are also its anchor.

One of those great hymns I learned at a very early age was, “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing.” I can’t tell you how many times I sang it in church as a child, then as a teen, and finally into adulthood. The number is probably in the hundreds. But, it wasn’t until I was almost 30 years old that the words of that hymn were burned into my mind and on my heart.

It was a terrible time in my life. I was in my first, and what would be my only, semester of school at East Texas Baptist University. Despite great hope and great help from many friends and family, I found myself on the precipice of failure once again. I knew that when school was out in December I wouldn’t be coming back. I would, once again, forfeit a chance at success because of the fear with which I’d become so familiar, and from which I could not escape.

I was in the University Chorus. As a matter of fact, I was Baritone Section Leader. We were preparing for our fall concert and one of the pieces we were going to perform was a truly magnificent setting of that hymn with which I was so familiar–or so I thought. It was during a Tuesday afternoon rehearsal that the sealing of my heart took place.

Everything seemed normal. I already knew the words and the music, so all I had to pay attention to were the nuances that Mr. Moore, the choir director, added. Then, midway through the second verse, it was as if I was hearing and singing the words for the first time.

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God.
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O, to grace how great a debtor,
Daily I’m constrained to be.
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, O, take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

I was overcome. My voice broke and tears welled up in my eyes. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and my knees felt like they were giving way. It was in that moment that I saw myself in the light of God’s grace and mercy. It was in that moment that I realized His love for me was far deeper than the scars left behind by each one of my disappointments and failures.

I couldn’t sing the rest of the song. I just stood there, crying. Each time Mr. Moore stopped to fix a problem I would compose myself, but each time we started again, I was overcome. Even days later in the concert I could only get through the first verse before the feelings came over me. Oddly, no one seemed to notice that each time we sang the song I stopped midway through; not the students around me, and not Mr. Moore.

That was 14 years ago and I still cannot sing that hymn all the way through without breaking. It is, in a very real, non-poetic sense, the song of my heart. It is the song that reminds me just how loving God is. It is the song that reminds me just how far Jesus has gone to seek me out.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I was turned away by people who call themselves Christians. It was during one of the most desperate hours of my life when I needed to know the love of Jesus most. Instead, I was judged, convicted, and sentenced to separation from the church. I was angry and hurt. I felt lost and alone. But, once again, this song was there.

The fact of the matter is that in each and every instance of heartache and pain in my life, the words to this great hymn always find their way back into my head. Each time I feel that familiar urge to turn away, I am reminded just how far Jesus has come for me. I’m reminded that my heart is sealed by God’s grace.

I guess it would be easier to turn away, and I almost did. I guess it would be easier to simply stop believing, and there was a time when I considered it. I guess it would be easier to forget everything I know to be true. There were many times I tried. Try as I might, I cannot turn away; I cannot stop believing; I cannot simply forget, because each time I do, there is this song.

So many people are hurting just now. So many people are in pain, and are afraid, and are lonely, and are angry. Our nation is, once again, riven with strife and enmity. We find ourselves turned against one another by people who profit from our fear and anger. It would be so easy to turn away and deny God. Even still, “Jesus sought [us] when a stranger…”

I still can’t get through it. Even now, writing this, my heart is racing and my eyes are full of tears. I know that I am bound to God, not by chains or shackles, but by His goodness. My heart is sealed, not by His anger, but by His love. I know that Jesus is still seeking me, not to punish me, but to rescue me.

How I wish I could really put into words what this hymn means to me, but none of them seem to do it justice. So, I’ll leave you with the hymn itself. This is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performing the same setting of “Come, Thou Found of Every Blessing” that so moved me all those years ago. I hope you find it as meaningful as I do.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

The United Methodist Hymnal Number 400
Text: Robert Robinson, 1735-1790
Music: Wyeth’s Repository of Sacred Music, Part Second
Tune: NETTLETON, Meter: 87.87 D

1. Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I’m come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

1st Six Weeks Progress Report

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Well, the first six weeks is over. Grades calculated, report cards distributed, and this weekend offers me the opportunity to grade my own efforts. After careful consideration, I have posted my grades below.

Intentions                                 A
Practice                                     C-
Classroom Management      D
Time Management                 F
Organization                           D+
Personal Attitude                    D
Confidence                                F

Average Grade                     Dgrade-D

It’s not like any job I’ve ever had and it’s certainly not what I expected. I have no confidence in my ability to teach school. Actually, right now I have no confidence in my ability to do anything. What exactly am I good at? The only job I’ve ever really been successful in was my job at The Scroll Bookstore. I guess that’s it. I’m good at retail.

My anxiety attacks are back…BIG TIME! I’ve had an attack almost everyday since school started in late August. For the last four days I’ve been in a constant state of panic. I don’t sleep at night. My head hurts constantly. I break out in cold sweats. I feel dizzy, nauseated, and short of breath. Everything I eat makes me sick. I can’t concentrate. I can’t remember things. I’m edgy and irritable. I’ve become completely intolerant of anyone who does anything that I consider inappropriate or unintelligent. I haven’t been this bad since the summer of 2009. The only difference between now and then is that, at least right now, I’m still able to get out and do things. For now…

Aside from my poor performance as a teacher, my performance as a student hasn’t been much better. I’m supposed to have this amazing ability to write, remember? Well, apparently my writing doesn’t translate very well to graduate level work. No…there I’m just average. I have no business being there, but as with so many other failed ventures in my life, I have too much time and money invested to stop. So, I’ll muddle through and end up with a funny robe and a pretty hood and another piece of paper to hang on the wall. And, everybody will congratulate me and tell me how proud they are of me and how much I deserve it. Meanwhile I’ll feel like the fourth grader who had trouble subtracting five digit numbers.

I don’t know what’s happening, nor do I know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what to do or where to go or who to talk to about it. People keep saying, “it will get better.” But, it’s not getting better. It’s getting worse. Nothing I do makes it any better.

What I Wish People Understood

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I never dreamed it would be this hard. I’m not sure it’s supposed to be. In fact, I’m not sure of anything anymore. People keep saying, “It will get better.” But, it isn’t and that makes me think I’m doing something very wrong. I’m not the teacher I thought I’d be. Not even close. I’m becoming the teacher I swore I wouldn’t be. No, it’s not getting better at all and for someone like me, that spells disaster.

There are things I wish I could make people who don’t suffer with chronic anxiety and depression about those of us who do. I wish there was something I could say or do to make them realize that we react differently to most things than those fortunate enough not to suffer. People like me, who fight this awful monster, feel things differently. We see and hear things differently. We understand and process things differently than virtually anyone else. A situation which a non-sufferer might be nothing more than an inconvenience or an annoyance might literally be a life-altering turn of events. Minor setbacks for most are major pitfalls for us. sad apple

So, if all of that is true, then what do you need to know? What do you need to do or say? How can you help? The short answer is, you can’t and please stop trying. When people like me hear people like you say things like, “It will get better,” that only makes us feel worse. You see, when things are supposed to get better and don’t (and they often don’t), it makes us feel like we’re doing something wrong. Remember what I wrote before? I know you mean well and that you’re trying to help, but please understand that you’re not.

The other thing you need to know and understand is that, to me, my reaction is perfectly logical and normal. I understand that in your mind I should be able to simply brush off difficulties and let things pass. In your mind, when people say and do things that hurt me, I should be able to simply let those things slide “like water off a duck’s back.” But, it doesn’t work that way for me. I wasn’t born with that switch in my head that allows me to turn feelings, thoughts, and emotions on and off like a lamp. My brain doesn’t work that way. I take everything — EVERYTHING — personally because, to me, everything IS personal. It’s the way I think. It’s the way my heart works. Should I change that? Maybe, but as yet, I haven’t figured out how.

It’s not getting better. It’s just not and I don’t see it getting better anytime soon. Please stop telling me it’s going to get better. I know you mean well, but you’re not helping. Please stop telling me to “be positive” or “look on the bright side” or “be grateful that [I] have a job.” Of course I’m grateful to have a job. I never said I wasn’t. But, I’m stressed beyond belief. I’m working myself sick and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. All you’re doing when you say those things to me is making me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

We’re different. We respond to things differently. Please accept that and save your judgment.