A New Day

What a weekend!

There is so much to say about the last few days. I hope I can get everything written and do it all justice, but I can start out summing it all up by saying that this weekend’s events represent a major turning point in my journey.

Kenzie’s Mustang, AKA “The Barbie Car”!

Mom and I headed out on Friday morning about 8:30, which is miraculous since we didn’t plan on leaving until 9:00. But, we squeezed into the Barbie Car — oh, I guess I’d better back up a minute. My car is in the shop — again — but, Kenzie and Maddie both needed to be in school on Friday, so Kenzie graciously agreed to let us drive her car, the “Barbie Car” as we call it, to Lubbock. Matt, Jennifer, and the girls came in their car after school. So, mom and I managed to get in the Barbie Car and we were on our way.

I understand now why I only ever see young people driving Ford Mustangs! They are beautiful vehicles and Kenzie’s gets great gas mileage and provides a very smooth ride. But, designed for the comfort of…ehhh hemm…people of above average age…they are most certainly not! It sits very low to the ground and there is not an abundance of space to move around on the inside. Somehow, though, we were able to get in there and were, for the most part, not too uncomfortable. It was a decent drive in a pretty sweet ride. (No, I’m not going to mention anything about the hot pink racing stripes or the hot pink license plate and blinged out license plate cover!)

We had all the supplies we needed.

We had all the supplies we needed for the seven to eight hour trip that was ahead of us. We had water, Diet Pepsi, sandwiches, Pringles, Hostess Cupcakes, crackers…uhmmmPepsid, Advil, Dramamine, etc. Oh, and of course, our luggage, cameras, my cap and gown, cell phones…you know, the necessities. Yep, it was all in there…with us…all packed in that little car…together…for the seven hour drive! It was, how shall I describe it, cozy. Yes, it was very…cozy!

So, off we went. For some reason that old country song “East Bound and Down” kept running through my head. You know, “we got a long way to go and a short time to get there…” Yeah, that’s sorta what it felt like. Speaking of music, let me just say at this point that Pandora is brilliant! We turned it on the 60s, 70s & 80s station and never heard anything we didn’t know or didn’t like. If you have not taken the opportunity to become familiar with Pandora, please take some time to do that soon. (Only, not right now because you have more reading to do.) It is something remarkable and I wish I’d invented it!

After a surprisingly low number of stops along the way (3 to be exact) we finally made it to Lubbock. I won’t recount my thoughts on the scenery along the way in this post. If you’d like to know about that, you can click here to read my post from Friday night. Once we arrived in Lubbock, I called my academic advisor, Ashlee to find out if she was still in her office. Sure enough, she was still there and told me to come on over to the campus and say hi. So, I finally figured out which way to turn on 15th Street and got there to find the graduate coordinator, Ryan, waiting out front for me. I must say it was a little surreal to finally meet these people in person with whom I’d spoken so many times via email and phone. I had a short, but good visit with both of them and then we headed to the hotel.

Let me make this comment about spring graduation weekend in Lubbock:a lot of people come to town!!I had to make reservations months in advance because if I hadn’t there would be no room. Likewise, because everything fills up so quickly, empty rooms are a premium and you pay a premium price for them. Mine, a suite, was nearly $300! It was a nice room, but not a $300 nice room. It was maybe a $150 nice room. But, whatever, I needed a place to stay. I didn’t ride into town an expectant unwed mother on a donkey, but I still wanted a room at the inn — so, I paid for it! Once we were settled we realized it had been about 9 hours since either of us had eaten anything other than a cup cake or Pringles, so we started looking for places to have dinner with some friends who were in town to see me graduate.

Old friends make the best friends and when they’re like family it’s all the better!

Keith and Barbara have been friends of our family literally since before I was born. My mom and dad were friends of theirs before either of the two couples had children and we remained friends after my parents divorced. In many ways, Keith was like my dad growing up and we jokingly refer to Barbara as the good Christian influence in my life! (That’s a funny story that I’ll tell in another post some time.) I was so happy a few weeks back when I found out they were coming to town to see me graduate. Anyway, we met them for dinner at Chili’s, and despite the fact that I gave them completely incorrect driving directions, they somehow managed to find their way there. After dinner we headed back to the hotel to visit. It had been well over a year since we’d seen them and this visit was long overdue. There’s just something about old friends that you can’t beat, and when they’re more like family, well that’s all the better! It was a wonderful visit. Soon, though, we were all worn out from the long drive and decided to call it a night.

Naturally, I was so anxious for the big day that I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. When Matt, Jennifer and the girls finally arrived after 1am I went downstairs to help them get checked in and bring all the luggage in. By the time I made it back upstairs to my room, I was finally tired enough to fall asleep. I got about 4 hours sleep and woke up promptly at 6:00am without the assistance of an alarm clock. Mom and I went to get breakfast and drive by the campus just to make sure we knew where everything was. When we saw the traffic for the 9am graduation, we realized how pressed for time we really were. It was insane! So, we woke everyone up and told them to get ready quickly because we needed to get to campus early if we were going to have pictures made. Amazingly, it worked!

The “mosquito landing pad” as Kenzie refers to it was in danger of a nasty burn!

We got to the seal at the main entrance about 11:45 or so and there were probably 20 people in line already. As we stood around waiting, Matt decided to be worried that my bald spot was going to burn in the very bright West Texas sun. So, he told Jennifer to tell me to put my cap on. Which, she did…but only AFTER she took a picture of said bald spot and posted it to Facebook! Nice, Jennifer — really nice!! She opined that I was going to be the only graduate with a bald spot. She was certainly wrong about that, although the only other bald or balding graduates I saw clearly shaved their heads. I may very well have had the only genetically predetermined bald spot that day. With my cap on disguising my age, we had what turned out to be some really good pictures made. You can see more of those pictures by clicking here.

While we were in line waiting to take pictures, my friend Trent, who also drove out to see me graduate, called me to say he was already at the arena and where did I want him to wait to meet us. I’m not sure that he and I ever really came to an understanding about that. I was so distracted I just kept saying to him, “I have to go in at the loading dock, but they’re going to go to the main entrance.” To which he kept replying, “Jason, there are about six entrances to this arena and they all look like main entrances to me. Where is the loading dock?” I didn’t really know where the loading dock was and couldn’t be specific. I just figured once a got to the arena I’d keep looking until I found a big hole in the side of the building where a bunch of people in black robes were headed. Trent gave up on me and decided to talk to my mom…good idea! I had a hole in the side of the building to look for!

Here’s the hole in the back of the building I was talking about.

I walked around virtually the entire perimeter of the building before I found the hole I was supposed to go in to. I think it bears noting that had I turned left instead of right at my original location, my journey to the hole would have been about 1/4 as long. But, I did eventually locate the hole where all of the people in black robes had gathered. I found myself in line to receive my “picture card” (what you give to the photographer so he can send you a picture of yourself shaking the Chancellor’s hand with an empty tube in yours) and a “post-completion survey.” I learned during my matriculation over the last four years that colleges and universities are very big on surveys. They like to know what you think — or, at least they want you to think they like to know what you think! I filled both out and headed into the practice gym under the arena where we were being held until the ceremonies began.

Look how happy EVERYONE in this picture looks!

I am a big believer in organization. Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” I hate to try and improve upon one of the greatest minds in human history, but I would say, “An unORGANIZED life is not worth living!” So, I appreciate very much the fact that the graduation coordinators wanted all of us….nearly 1,000 of us….ALL of us in one place before the commencement ceremony began. It reminded me a lot of those puppy mills you see on television news where those horrible people keep scores of helpless puppies in one pin together. Yeah, it was a lot like that — scores of helpless students, dressed in funny square hats and black robes, all pinned up in one place for over an hour. Needless to say, most of us were not the happiest looking creatures on earth. But, we were kept entertained with interesting trivia questions punctuated with reminders that our tassels were to be on the right side of our mortarboards, to turn our cell phones off, and to remove any unnatural adornment we might have made to our commencement regalia. (No, I did not get to put, “Kiss my butt, I did it” on my cap!) Finally, the moment we were all waiting for arrived. We were told to stand and prepare to enter the arena. It was a lot like that scene in “Gladiator” only I’m fairly sure no one wet their pants as the doors opened.

I had obviously graduated once before… 22 years ago, but wow! Texas Tech University knows how to do some “pomp and circumstance!” Walking into the arena with the march being played over the loud speakers, a couple of thousand people cheering, and our faces popping up on the jumbotron was pretty heady stuff. In fact, it took my breath away a little bit. I got a lump in my throat and it was at that precise moment I realized this was actually happening! This was the precise moment I realized that all of the hard work had finally paid off and I was about to be a college graduate; something that even I wasn’t sure would ever really happen. It was a little unbelievable.

Shaking hands with the Chancellor of the Texas Tech University System.

The ceremony was pretty long — about 3 hours total. When you call 1,000 names individually it takes a while to get to the end of the list. As my row stood to walk to the front that lump came back into my throat. One of the marshals handed me my empty black tube and suddenly, I heard it, “Jason Anthony Walker.” My name in the air, my face on the jumbotron, my hand shaking the hands of the Chancellor, President, and members of the Board of Regents. And, from up in the stands, “Way to go Uncle Papaw!!” It was a sweet moment and one I’ll not soon forget. Not much more needs to be said about that.

Before I knew it I was back in my seat listening to the other 800 or so names being called. Now, let me just say here that there was a lot of room on the floor of that arena, but for some reason, our chairs were really close together. But, we’re obviously a bunch of pretty smart cookies, so me and the guy next to me, Jared, had a little unrehearsed graduation chair ballet going on in an attempt to stay comfortable. When I leaned forward, he would lean back. When he leaned back, I would lean forward. That went on for about another hour and really should qualify us for some Olympic team, I think. It was pretty well-done for having never rehearsed. Eventually, every name had been called and we were given one last charge by the Provost before they opened the door to the pin and let all the puppies loose!

Just before my pants gave way!

The next thing I knew, I found myself walking out the same hole I walked in through. Only this time I was walking up the very steep loading ramp in a black robe, with 999 of my closest friends, on hot concrete in the 96 degree Lubbock sunshine. I’m old, and I’m fat! I don’t do heat very well and when I’m already tired I certainly don’t want to climb a mountain. Two things happened on my way to the top of the ramp: first, I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die before I made it. Second, my pants very nearly fell down! In my left hand I was holding my empty black tube, my cap, my program, and the pin we were given by the Alumni Association. In my right hand I was holding the waistband of my pants! It was like a nightmare come to life. I could already see the headlines on the front page of the Lubbock newspaper, “Pantless Tech Grad Dies After Ceremony!” The only good thing was that, in an act of unbridled collegiate patriotism, I wore a pair of red underwear that morning. Nevertheless, I still pictured myself stretch out dead on the parking lot, still festooned from graduation, with my pants around my ankles! I was mortified!! Thankfully, help was only a few feet away.

In an amazing stroke of luck, my family had walked around back to meet me and, glistening in my brother-in-law’s hand, I saw a bottle of water!! “Give me that water,” I barked as they were all trying to congratulate me. I gave everything in my left hand to my seven year old niece while I downed half the bottle before pouring the other half over my head…all the while still holding up my pants with my right hand. Then, at that moment — at that tragic, unfortunate, ugly moment amidst all of the beauty of the day — my sister says, “I haven’t gotten a picture of you and mom together. Let me take your picture.” REALLY???? NOW????!!! At some point I had unzipped my robe, but my pants were still falling down, so the picture portrays a very happy looking mother and a soaking wet, burning hot, old, fat, bald college graduate whose pants are about to fall down, holding his robe closed so no one can see his red underwear! Pictures taken, it was time to leave and, naturally, the car was parked all the way around the other side of the arena. *SIGH*

This piece of paper is worth all of it — every, single second of it!

Before mom and I could join the others for dinner, we had to go by the University College building so that I could pick up my diploma. After the tragedy with my plaque, I no longer trust the US Mail with important documents. However, true to my normal luck, the police department had closed the very road I needed to be on so that they could more easily control traffic out of the arena. We drove around for about 40 minutes before we finally found the building. I ran inside, spoke to Ashlee, Ryan, and a couple of students and professors, then picked up my diploma and was out of there. I was still hot and tired, but now I was also hungry. We left campus one last time and headed to dinner with the rest of our family and friends before heading back to Grand Saline. Pretty eventful day, huh??

I wouldn’t trade or change a moment of it!

Now it’s time to get serious….

Those of you who’ve followed this blog from the beginning know the struggle I’ve undergone the last few years with anxiety. You followed my story when I was virtually housebound and when a simple trip to eat lunch in a local restaurant was an accomplishment worth celebrating. You know my story. You must also know what this story means. If you have not yet gotten it, let me fill in the blanks.

This story; this trip; this crazy, mixed-up, laughable, beautiful, glorious day means that a new day has arrived. If I can make the trip to Lubbock; if I can sit through a three hour graduation ceremony; if I can let the feelings of panic and the desire to stand up and run away flow over me but not control me, then I can do anything. It means I have my life back! In this one, brilliant afternoon a nearly five year journey to hell and back has come to a close. It’s over and I’m OK.

I haven’t had a panic attack since Saturday during the ceremony. Not one. I took my mom to a real “sit down” breakfast at Denny’s on Sunday morning. No panic. I went to dinner with my family on Sunday night. No panic. I even started a new job this morning and made it through the entire day with no panic! Now, let me dispell any notion you might have that I’m naive enough to believe I will never have another panic attack. I don’t believe that. But, what I do know now is that because of this day I’m confident in my ability to overcome them without running away. In short, I walked into that arena a frightened man who’d only set goals and never completed them. I walked out not only having completed the biggest goal I’d ever set for myself, but having crossed over into a new day where fear no longer keeps me from living.

It’s a new day, my friends! You’ve all been there from the beginning and I love you for it. You have encouraged me; you have strengthened me; you have even chastised me when it was needed. I couldn’t have asked for better company along the way. So, what now? Well, the blog continues on, but with a new name, a new aim, and a new look. I surely hope you will all continue to read and talk back and I hope you like the next bit of news I will offer here. I think you will!

Thanks for being with me. You’re the best!

Blessings,

Jason — Texas Tech University Class of 2012!!! Get yer GUNS UP!!

 

 

 

 

 

Windmills, Cactus, Mesquite Trees, Mountain-ish Things and Oil Wells

I have to admit, West Texas (Northwest Texas anyway) is a lot greener than I expected it to be. I heard all these stories about how there has been no measurable rainfall in two years or more, so I expected to see parched, cracked earth and dead grass. There was some of that, but for the most part it was not that bad.

There are a lot of windmills out here — not the little kind that we still have a few of back home, but the big honkin’ ones that generate power for all the surrounding areas. They’re pretty amazing to see and even more amazing when you think that the landowners who have them on their property make up to about $1000 a month per windmill to have them there. Sign me up!!

Imagine…$1000 a month per windmill on your property?!

Heading north on US 84 between Sweetwater and Lubbock is a lot like driving through the set of a Hollywood western. Everywhere you look you see cactus, and little scrubby mesquite trees. But, understand that when I say cactus I don’t mean the tall kind that look like they have their arms in the air (like they just don’t care) — no, I’m talking about mean looking cactus that sits low to the ground and looks like it would really hurt if you fell into it. The mesquite trees almost look like little miniature bonsai trees that have been carefully trained by skilled hands. Then there are the mountain-ish things that seem to just pop up in the distance. They look a lot like some of the rock features you see in those old westerns when some poor, lonesome cowboy is riding all alone headed to some pioneer destiny.

Too big to be a hill. Too small to be a mountain. What do you call these things?

Finally, oil wells — everywhere you look — oil wells! Texas tea as they say! They are ubiquitous once you head north on US 84, and just past Snyder, TX, the air reeks of petroleum. I’m sure after being here a while one would become used to the smell and not notice it anymore, but man, it sure stinks!

Mile after mile of nothing but road, and windmills, and cactus, and mesquite trees, and mountain-ish things, and oil wells. There are a few small towns, but there is nothing at all to them — most of them don’t even have a gas station. Then, suddenly, seemingly out of thin air is Lubbock, a town of about 250,000 people. It is fascinating that the scenery literally and almost instantaneously goes from nothing to teaming with life.

Tomorrow I’ll drive on over to the big ole university and graduate. Then, I’ll head back home to East Texas where the trees are tall, the grass is green, cactus is something you buy at Wal-Mart to decorate your bathroom, windmills are mostly broken down and sitting next to an old barn, and oil wells can’t be seen anywhere but Van or Kilgore. But, it’s home and after seeing West Texas, I won’t complain quite as much.

My New Job

Today I was offered a new position in our school district — IT Specialist. I will be working for the District Technology Coordinator and my new office will be in the technology suite in the new elementary school. It comes with a significant raise, but it means I no longer have three months off in the summer. But, trust me when I tell you that the raise MORE THAN justifies the change. I will also still be responsible for updating the district’s web site. This is an answer to prayer and I can’t wait to get started — which is good because I start next week!

You guys who subscribe are the lucky ones who get to know the news. Only subscribers are receiving this….an incentive, if you will.

More later.

And there it is…

So, this is what it’s feels like. As of 9:28pm today I have officially earned a Bachelor of Arts in Interdisciplinary Studies. If you had told me four years ago that it was all going come down to a Monday night in mid-May sitting at my desk listening to a conference call in a Web Publishing class and that when it was all over I would come sit on my couch and watch reruns of Bones…well, I probably would have chuckled. A lot like I’m doing now.

That’s it. I’m done. I’ve accomplished my goal and no matter what happens no one can ever take that away from me. No matter what I choose to do with my life from this point forward I will have accomplished a goal that as recently as three years ago people told me I should give up on. I did it.

I read the chapters.

I did the assignments.

I wrote the papers.

I took the exams.

I did it even though people said I never would. Now, in four days I will walk in to the United Spirit Arena in Lubbock, Texas, hear my name called, and be handed my diploma by the president of the university. That’s mine. It’s my moment and it’s my time.

Then, I’ll probably come back home and watch some more reruns of Bones.

Pride vs. Arrogance

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. ~Proverbs 16:18

There’s a scripture that has been used to beat people over the head until their spirit was broken if I’ve ever seen one! Of course, it’s also a valid admonishment against arrogance. Notice I said arrogance, not pride. There is a difference, you know?

I haven’t posted much in the last couple of weeks. I just got too busy. I will probably pick back up on those lessons I learned after all my school stuff is finished. But, I felt like I needed to post this today to explain something to some people who seem to have a misunderstanding of who I am. Over the last few weeks I’ve posted some pictures of my cap and gown, honor cords, certificates, plaque, and ring. There are people I don’t see every day who seem to be interested in my accomplishments and I post those pictures just to let those people know what’s going on. Honestly, if it weren’t for that one thing I probably wouldn’t even do it because really…who cares other than me and the people who actually do?

Two days ago I received a private message on Facebook from someone I consider a slight acquaintance. I know who she is and if I see her in public I say hello, but that’s really about it. Her message was rather lengthy and (from an English major’s point of view) not very well-written, but she managed to get her point across. She quoted several scriptures, including Proverbs 16:18 and then proceeded to say that I was ”guilty of the sin of pride” and that I should “humble [my]self” before God. Alllllllllrighty then!

I did not respond to her on Facebook because I didn’t want to mess with the freakazoidal text entry wonkiness on the Facebook messaging app. So, this is my response to her and anyone else who thinks I might be guilty of some sin….

BUTT OUT!

Gosh, that wasn’t very Christian of me, was it? Let’s try again…

I like to joke around a lot with people and say things like, ‘I’m never wrong.’ But, that’s all it is, a joke. I’m not an arrogant person. In fact, I wouldn’t even say I’m prideful. True, I am very proud of what I’ve accomplished, especially in light of the fact that many people said I wouldn’t or couldn’t do it. However, I don’t go around acting like I’m better than anyone else because I don’t believe that. Some of the smartest and wisest people I know never spent one hour in a college classroom. I respect them and even defer to their knowledge and experience. I don’t believe that earning my degree makes me any smarter, wiser, or better than they.

Having said that, why should I not tell people good news about what I’m doing? Do you really believe that God means for me to sit in my house, quietly finishing my degree and never saying a word about it? If you do, then you and I worship a different God. If that’s the case then we probably don’t have much in common and I question whether or not we actually know each other at all. Anyone who claims to know who I am and then says something to me like what this person said is sorely mistaken. I am not prideful. I am not arrogant. I am, however, proud of what I’ve done.

Don’t beat people over the head with scripture; especially if you’re not even using it in its proper context. That’s really not cool at all. OK, I’m done now.

The Big Red Biscuit – Or, ‘Lessons I should have learned in 1st Grade’

I remember my first grade teacher very well. Her name was Mrs. McDaniel and she taught at L.B. Barton Elementary School in Irving, TX. She wasn’t any bigger than a minute but you didn’t want to mess with her because she was all business! Mrs. McDaniel wore a pair of half glasses around her neck on a chain. When she would talk to the class she would put them on the end of her nose and look over the top of them while she spoke. I don’t remember ever seeing her look through the glasses, but they certainly looked very teachery to me.

One of the things that Mrs. McDaniel taught us that year is that when you’re reading it is very important to read carefully and thoroughly. Make sure that you read every word correctly, otherwise you change the meaning of what you’re reading and miss the point of the story. Then, as I got older and advanced on to middle school, high school, and eventually college, I repeatedly heard the words, “always read directions carefully.” Got it — let’s go!

—-

Mother’s Day, 2012

My mom and sister said that what they wanted more than anything for Mother’s Day was to be able to relax and not worry about cooking, or cleaning, or any of the other day-to-day tasks that mom’s usually end up doing. Happy to oblige, my niece and I decided that she would cook lunch (pot roast) and I would make dessert. She asked me to make a red velvet cake. So, I said ‘OK’ and proceeded to the store to purchase the necessary ingredients.  I had everything but red food color, shortening, buttermilk, and eggs. $14 later I was ready to roll.

I think it’s important to note here that I have made red velvet cakes before. They’re not something I make very often — maybe once a year, so I still have to follow the recipe to do it. So, I got my cookbook off the shelf and opened it up. I realized that the recipe called for a combination of cake flour and all-purpose flour. Darn it! I didn’t have any cake flour and didn’t want to go back to the store. I got online to find out what to do in this case. I found it in a snap and it’s easy as…well…pie! All you have to do is subtract two tablespoons of flour for every cup the recipe calls for.

2 1/4 cups sifted cake flour + 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour – 4 tablespoons per cup = 8 1/4 tablespoons of flour taken out of the bowl. (I knew that last math class I took would come in handy some time!)

Done! Let’s start mixing.

Gosh that batter seemed to be getting awfully thick! In fact, I was about to burn my mixer up, so I had to finish mixing it by hand. I’m thinking rotator cuff surgery might be necessary. But, I thought to myself, “I guess the cake flour does make a difference after all.” That batter looked an awful lot like dough laying there in those pans, but I stuck them in the oven anyway. I guess we’ll just see if cake flour makes that big a difference.

Start the timer….35 minutes….

I pulled the pans out of the oven. Other than looking a little on the dense side, they just looked like red velvet cake to me. Oh, sure, they smelled more like bread than cake, but I figured that was probably just because they were still hot. So, I let them cool for ten minutes in the pan like the cookbook says.

It wasn’t until I started running my knife along the edges to help them turn out of the pan that I realized there might be a larger issue than just a denser version of this yummy cake. Something just didn’t feel right. So, I took just a tiny piece from the edge. Nooooo….Houston, we have a problem! I cut a bigger piece to taste it…

It was a BIG RED BISCUIT!! (Slightly flavored with unsweetened cocoa powder!)

What could possibly have happened?? How could this have gone so undeniably, terribly wrong?! I don’t understand…

—

Mrs. McDaniel Was Right

I had no choice. Another cake had to be made because this big red biscuit was, at best, unpalatable and possibly hazardous for human consumption. As I was going back through my cabinet to determine what I needed from the store to make another cake I figured I had to get cake flour. I mean, obviously this was the problem I glanced back at the cookbook just to be sure I got everything. That’s when I saw it……..“or”……..Little words can make a big difference. If it had been a snake it would have bitten me.

2 1/4 cups sifted cake flour OR 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour.

I had prepared a cake that calls for 2 1/4 cups of flour with 4 1/4 cups of flour (minus 8 tablespoons, of course)! Had I added butter and a touch more sugar I could have had about 2 dozen lovely red, chocolate biscuits. But, it would never, regardless how hard I tried, have been a red velvet cake!! Mrs. McDaniel was right, it is very important to read carefully.

—

When All Else Fails

Let’s try this again, shall we? And, this time, let’s read the directions carefully like Mrs. McDaniel said. 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour (no subtraction or tablespoons necessary). And, voila!

A much better batter…

…makes a much better cake!

Don’t forget the lessons you learned in the 1st Grade!

My Decision

Before I tell you what I’ve decided about whether or not to attend graduation, I want to give you some of the back story behind my sudden change of mood about the whole thing. And, before I do that, let me tell you that my mood has notreallychanged all that much.

I had really good advising at Texas Tech. I don’t mean to complain about it at all, but there was a breakdown in communication somewhere along the line. You see, there are two little words that hold the weight of the world for teachers: Highly Qualified. I’ve heard those words for several years now, but I just assumed that meant a person was a certified teacher. Guess what? That’s not all those words mean. You see, to meet the definition of that word, not only will I have to get alternative certification, but I will also have to pick up deficiency courses in whatever subject I intend to teach because I do not have enough upper level hours to fulfill the requirement. Nobody told me that.

What does that mean? Well, it means that becoming a certified teacher is not just a matter of going through the alternative certification program. I must first pick up those deficiency hours, which means…..I’m not quite as “finished” as I thought. It would have been helpful to know this a year ago. It would have changed the courses I chose to take when completing my degree. Now, I get to go right back to school again for at least three semesters, and more likely four if I intend to get my teacher certification.

I don’t really want to teach secondary school and I surely don’t want to teach elementary school. But, if I’m going to graduate school which I fully intend to do within the next year, I’m going to have to have a job making more than I make now. I just can’t live on it. I thought teaching would be a good option for me. Ooops!! I guess I’m the fool again. So, yeah I’m mad and disappointed and I really, Really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY don’t care much at this point. I just want to be done and move on.

In making the decision about whether or not to attend graduation I had to consider not only myself but other people. I have friends and family who want to go and watch me receive my diploma. It’s important to them to be a part of it. I also have to consider the fact that years from now….decades from now….IF I’m not still angry about how all of this turned out I might wish I’d gone. But, then again, I might not and I don’t know if I made my point clear or not that I REALLY don’t care at this point.

So, I’ve thought a lot about it. I’ve weighed the pros and cons and I’ve made my decision. I’m going to go.

Now, before you comment on this if you decide to comment on it, weigh your words carefully. I’m not doing this because anyone convinced me to do it or because I care, because I REALLY  don’t care. I made this decision because it is what I decided to do. I’m still irritated and angry and bitter about all of this because I feel like I was mislead, or at the very least, misinformed. I am not a happy camper.

Where I’ve Been

I haven’t written in a while. I got too far behind on the lessons I learned over the last four years and couldn’t catch up. Besides, who really cares anyway? I don’t even care that much. But, here’s an update:

1. Ring comes Monday .. don’t really care.
2. I still haven’t decided whether I’ll go to grad. Has nothing to do with money. I just don’t really care.
3. I have a couple of assignments still due. But, I don’t really care.
4. I’m not likely going to find a job that pays anymore of a living wage than I make now. But, I don’t really care.
5. I don’t like it when people lie to me. That one I care about.
6. I don’t like being lied to.
7. Did I mention I don’t like being lied to?

That’s pretty much it. Maybe I’ll write more later or maybe I won’t. I don’t really care about it that much anymore.

Lessons 25 & 24

I’m falling behind…sorry about that. Yesterday was just one of those days! But, here we go…

Lesson 25 – Don’t believe everything you hear.

This is a little bit of a no-brainer, but it took a while for me to really get it. I wouldn’t call myself a gullible person, but I am definitely a trusting person. I trust people to tell me the truth even when they haven’t always lived up to that trust. I guess I just want to believe the best in people.  The problem with believing the best about people is that people aren’t always very good people and their best might be your worst (or somewhere in between).

I had several friends in Dallas who told me when I left that they would stick with me and that they supported my decision to return to school. They said they understood the need to move back home because it was less expensive to live here and go to school than to live there and go to school. When the rubber met the road, though, they didn’t stick around very long. You know that old saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Yeah, well that’s a bunch of hooey if you ask me! In my case, absence made the mind grow dimmer. All but a handful of my friends seemed to forget I even existed.

There are other examples I could give about how it’s not a good idea to believe everything you hear. I could tell you about a former teacher who told me she would provide a letter of recommendation for me and never came through. I could tell you about loaning money to people (yeah, once upon a time I loaned someone money) and never getting it back. I could tell you about agreeing to do a job for somebody with the understanding I would be paid for it and having to fight to get paid. I could tell you about all of those things, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that gradually…ever…so…gradually, I learned not to believe everything I hear.

It’s hard, you know? It’s hard being the kind of person who wants to trust people and having that trust betrayed. But, I guess that this is a lesson we all have to learn to some extent at one point in our lives or another. I just wish that didn’t have to be the case.

Lesson 24 – Don’t put off ’til tomorrow what you can do today.

In the interest of total honesty and transparency, I must admit that I’d already learned this lesson by the time I went back to school. But, it’s still valuable, so I’m including it in the list.

Procrastination is a terrible thing. Seriously, there is nothing good about it no matter what you might be putting off. I used to be really, REALLY bad about procrastinating. I would wait to do just about anything I needed to do. When I was little and my mom would tell me to clean my room, I would put it off. When I was in school I would put off doing homework. When I was working, sometimes I would put off work assignments until the very last minute! It was procrastinating at work that finally made me realize how bad that habit really is.

You see, bosses don’t take too kindly to people putting things off until the last minute. Once, I waited until the last possible day to submit a report that was required each month. I didn’t do a very good job on it — in fact, it had to be redone because some of my figures were completely wrong. After the vice president of our division chewed my boss out over the phone, I got a chewing of my own, got written up, and was told that was my one and only second chance. That’s when it dawned on me that procrastinating is not a good thing!

But, the procrastination that really hurt the worst was putting off my education. It’s pretty hard to go back to school at age 36 while working full time. I’ve spent many restless nights reading textbooks, writing paper, studying for tests, or just worrying about how I was going to get everything done that I needed to get done. That’s the kind of stuff that you’re supposed to do when you’re 20, not when you’re 40. With each passing year, those things get progressively harder to do. So, learn this lesson from me. Don’t put off ’til tomorrow what you can do today.

 

 

Lesson 26 – Pick Your Battles

Before I get to tonight’s lesson I thought I’d show off a little something that came in the mail today. It was damaged, but in one piece. This is something I’m pretty proud of.

Texas Tech Parents Association
2011-2012 Student Academic Citizenship Award
for
Excellence in Academics
and
Exceptional Service to the Community

Now for the lesson…

This is one that, I confess, I’m still learning. I’ve never been especially good at choosing which battles are really worth fighting, but I’m a little better at it now than I was four years ago. I used to fight everything and everyone that didn’t fit into my narrow definition of what the world was supposed to be like. Everything was black or white — there were no shades of grey. Oooops!

I can’t really point to one particular event or incident that made me realize grey areas do exist. I think it was a combination of things. Even though it was my choice to do, it was pretty humbling to leave a good job that I liked, move back home, take a HUGE cut in pay, and go back to school, basically as a freshman. It wasn’t fair that I had to make the sacrifices I had to make just to accomplish a goal. So, anytime someone or something even looked like it was going to hinder me somehow I lashed out and started fighting. I was prepared to go to war at any time and for any reason. That is not a good strategy.

Ultimately I realized that there are people who end up in our paths who might seem to be there to prevent us from accomplishing our goals, but who actually serve a very valuable purpose. These people are there to help us prove just how badly we want what we say we want.

The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people! ~Dr. Randy Pausch

It dawned on me that these people and events that were the biggest obstacles to me — the biggest brick walls — were there to make me prove just how badly I wanted to accomplish this goal. How bad does Jason Walker really want to finish school? How bad does he really want it?

So, I quit fighting the brick walls and started figuring out ways to get around them, over them or under them. Banging my head against them — fighting them — only gave me a headache, nothing more. Everything is not black and white. There are many shades of grey. Rather than fighting battles where there will never be any clear winner, I’m learning to just work around them…to my benefit.

Learn this lesson quickly, friends!