I’m very good at doubting myself and my abilities. I grew up doing it and even my recent successes haven’t done much to diminish my self-doubt. Oh, I know all the psychobabble about it — I’ve heard all the techniques and ‘solutions’. I’ve talked to myself in the mirror so many times that my mirror fogs over when it sees me coming. I’ve written down all of my best qualities, my talents, my gifts…I’ve made a written record of all of that. It’s not that I don’t believe it, it’s just that sometimes…well, yeah sometimes…
I have to make a decision in the next twenty-four hours that shouldn’t be that hard to make. It’s not a life or death decision. It’s not a decision that’s going to dramatically alter my life — at least not right now. It’s a decision that actually doesn’t have a downside, which is incredibly rare. But, for some reason I have enormous doubt about making it. I don’t doubt that I’ll make the wrong decision, because there is no wrong decision in this case. I just doubt myself.
I feel like I’m being presumptuous. I feel like I’m being prideful and arrogant. I feel like I’m making assumptions about my abilities that my abilities can’t live up to. The trouble is that I have no evidence that any of those things is true. But, still the doubt is there. I have to get over it, though because I have to make that decision tomorrow. I’d be happy to hear any words of wisdom…no gushy compliments, though. That’s really not what I’m looking for.
When does all of this change? When do I become comfortable in my own skin? When does the day arrive when I can stand and say, “I am Jason Walker…I am a good writer” and not feel bad about saying it? I hope that day comes soon because I’m really tired of losing sleep every time I have to make a decision.
“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” Khalil Gibran