I’m very good at doubting myself and my abilities. I grew up doing it and even my recent successes haven’t done much to diminish my self-doubt. Oh, I know all the psychobabble about it — I’ve heard all the techniques and ‘solutions’. I’ve talked to myself in the mirror so many times that my mirror fogs over when it sees me coming. I’ve written down all of my best qualities, my talents, my gifts…I’ve made a written record of all of that. It’s not that I don’t believe it, it’s just that sometimes…well, yeah sometimes…
I have to make a decision in the next twenty-four hours that shouldn’t be that hard to make. It’s not a life or death decision. It’s not a decision that’s going to dramatically alter my life — at least not right now. It’s a decision that actually doesn’t have a downside, which is incredibly rare. But, for some reason I have enormous doubt about making it. I don’t doubt that I’ll make the wrong decision, because there is no wrong decision in this case. I just doubt myself.
I feel like I’m being presumptuous. I feel like I’m being prideful and arrogant. I feel like I’m making assumptions about my abilities that my abilities can’t live up to. The trouble is that I have no evidence that any of those things is true. But, still the doubt is there. I have to get over it, though because I have to make that decision tomorrow. I’d be happy to hear any words of wisdom…no gushy compliments, though. That’s really not what I’m looking for.
When does all of this change? When do I become comfortable in my own skin? When does the day arrive when I can stand and say, “I am Jason Walker…I am a good writer” and not feel bad about saying it? I hope that day comes soon because I’m really tired of losing sleep every time I have to make a decision.
“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” Khalil Gibran
when you believe 100% in yourself.. The self-doubt, the lack of confidence, etc.
all comes when you can fully love yourself, mistakes and all.
Making a wrong decision, is not a clarification of who you are.. it doesn’t define you.
What it does do, is refine you… Makes you smarter, more confident, more assured…
Okay, I made that mistake, so I lived through it… That means that I won’t make it again and I have learned and am that much better off for that blessing.
Even the hard blessings are good blessings. Depending on how you look at it.
I strongly suggest you read a book called one thousand gifts, by Ann Voskamp
It may be a woman’s devotional book, however, it was a gift for me to learn that good, small, big, bad, everything, is a blessing, depending on how you look at it.
You are smart, funny, strong (physically and mentally) <~~~ you really are.
You just don't realize it yet.
You are an incredible writer…
See the gifts… even the anxiety is a gift, if you alter how you look at it..
But never let it define you!!!
I guess that’s right, Laura. I still have a lot of leftover guilt and shame for the things I’ve done in the past. I guess all of that guilt and shame contribute to the doubt. Add to that the fact that I’ve made many, MANY bad decisions. Now, making decisions…sometimes even small ones scares the heck out of me. I’m too old to be taking many more wrong steps, you know? But, what you say makes sense. I guess even as far as I’ve come I still have a lot of work to do…on me. But, as always I do thank you for your encouragement!
I hope you’re well.
Laura, that’s powerful stuff- especially the part about the anxiety being a gift. I happen to agree with you whole-heartedly. For how can we help others in their struggles if we have not been down the road of struggle, ourselves?
Pretty insightful, huh? I’ve never considered my anxiety a gift…but I get it.
Sorry, Jason, for not responding to this sooner… It stumps me, quite frankly. I know how I manage and talk to myself, but I am still learning and am STILL where you are on the self doubt. I know I am one of my most brutal critics. So, I don’t know what to tell you, really, to help.
So, this is where my wife, and closest friends come into play. I ask for honest critique, and advise, and I trust them in that area of which I’ve asked for feedback… whatever comes of my decision, I trust that they are being honest with me, and want the best for me. Though I may still internally struggle to believe, I lean toward their evaluation/critique – even over my own.
Yet, I still struggle with this. Even after almost 23 years of marriage, I can still say, “but she is biassed”, or about my closest friends “he/she is just trying to make me feel better…/they don’t know how messed up I am…” and get wrapped in that side. (note: my wife definitely knows how messed up I am!!
Thank the Lord she still loves me!!) I’ve gotten better, but the doubt is not gone, and I don’t know if it ever will be.
I like what Laura said, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds (you know, and she’d probably agree, it is easier said than done).
I think we are ALWAYS going to be on this journey, and you have progressed FAR, as have I, yet there is more to go (and there will probably always be “more to go”).
In one of my art classes, long ago, one of my instructors told us a principle that carries into life. Our “mistakes” are part of the canvas, now, and they add to the composition. We will make painting strokes that seem wrong, but then, later, may be exactly what the piece needed, we just couldn’t see it, yet. — Now, I have some issue with carrying that completely over to life, BUT, as Laura said, we move forward. Learn from the mistakes as best we can. It becomes part of the whole composition, and brings insight, and fullness, that wasn’t there before (could we have done without it? Maybe. But regardless, it is there).
I think this way. Life is full of risks, and “mistakes” are going to be part of it. It is part of the adventure. Even the “safest” routes have pitfalls, and potentials. ALL routes have as much potential for success as they do for learning from error. Hopefully, we are never too old to learn, and take at least calculated risks.
Lifetime learning
KevinG
Why is it that there are never good answers to these questions? Have you ever noticed that? … never!
I know that what you’re saying is true. I, like you, am my own worst critic. I see things wrong that no one else sees and when I tell them about it they look at me like I have three heads! But, for me, it’s so obvious. I wrote in my private journal a while ago that I have a “dismorphia” regarding myself that makes me “see failure through the eyes of success” and when I look in the mirror causes me to see a man who hasn’t existed in years. I really do feel that way. I just wish I could figure out why it’s so hard for me to see my own good side.
I’m still afraid to make mistakes. I take everything I do very personally and when I mess something up or when I make a bad decision I spend more time beating myself up for it than the ramifications of such a decision could ever last. Believe it or not, I still beat myself up over things that happened when I was in my late teens and early twenties. Who in the world doesn’t screw things up when they’re that age?? EVERYBODY does! But, I still hold those things against myself. That’s why I struggle so with making important decisions.
Nevertheless, I have made this one. The doubt has already set in, but I’m trying my best to ignore it. Gosh there are days when I want outta my own head!!
Jason…one of my greatest wishes in this life is that one day you will see yourself as I see you…as 99.9% of the rest of the world sees you…as a gifted and talented man, as a dear friend who has immeasurable value!!! So come on Jase…get on MY bandwagon!!!
Mythbusters is one of my favorite shows, and at the end of this segment, Jamie Hyneman makes a profound statement. He says, “I made the statement that 2 cars hitting each other at 50 mph was the same as one car hitting a solid wall at 100. That was a mistake, but… you know what? I’m ok with it. That’s how you learn stuff.”
HAH! Thanks for sharing this. I love the show and I love that statement…that’s how you learn stuff! (I also like it when he says, “one way or another it’s all just shrapnel…did I spell that right?)
At first, I just posted the clip and said that Jamie has a cool quote at the end. But then I realized the shrapnel thing was pretty cool, too, so I figured I had better clarify. Haha!